Single Guys Advice on Pleasing Your Lady in the Kitchen

Alrighty guys! For your reading pleasure, I present to you: (note: there is a lot of bro-ness in this…. Cause I think making fun of bros is hilarious!) Single Guy's advice on pleasing your lady in the kitchen! Part 1: Making a Midnight Breakfast Meal First off, make sure you're pretty buff and ripped. The biggest difference between a well cooked meal and burning the house down is a strong set of biceps and some shirt ripping pectorals. Second, wear your pajamas. Shirt optional - it's always a good call to show off your ripple-y muscle tone when flipping eggs or slicing onions. (If you’ve decided to forgo the first step, make sure you keep your shirt on – you wouldn’t want some bacon grease to splash on your tender skin and burn you, would you? No.) Third, grab a slab of bacon and start sizzling that crap up. It’s easily accomplished on low-ish heat and when the individual pieces have been cut in half. If you opt to wear one of those heat-resistant-dishwashing gloves your mom wore when she would wash dishes to flip the bacon with your fingers, that’s ok. Just make sure your lady isn’t in the room to see it on you. ‘Cause nobody, not to mention your pretty chica, likes a shirtless guy who wears a neon yellow hand mitt. Once you’ve made your decision on the optional clothing, make sure your ½ a large onion and 2 apples are fully diced. Four: once that bacon is mostly crispy but a touch soft in some places, pull it out and onto a plate that has a grease absorbent cushion on it – treat that bacon like royalty! (I like to use a paper towel.) then make sure to drain some of that bacon nectar out of the pan you’re using. Not all of it though. Five: put that diced half onion in the pan and let the bacon blood infuse itself throughout the onion until the tear causing veggie is a nice crispy, golden color throughout. It takes about 30 min on a low heat. During this time, serenade your babe with songs like, Nat King Cole’s “L-O-V-E” song. Six: once that onion is a little on the brown side of a rich amber, add your 2 well diced apples. (I hope you gave your lady a good viewing angle of your Carpi and Brachioradialis musculature while you sliced those fruits! … forearm muscles, brohan, forearm muscles.) Seven: those apples should be a touch squish and slightly tanned by the time they’ve matured into edible perfection. Dump that crispy load onto a second plate which both of you can easily access for some pre-breakfast-midnight-dinner eating. Eight: *THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT PART!!* Ask her how she likes her eggs. (And bro, if you make an immature joke at this point, you might as well call it a night and go play some video games. ‘Cause you’re not ready to be serving a fine cultured lady like her till all that juvenile behavior is gone, gone, gone!) Once she tells you she like her eggs fried with a runny yellow but not runny white, wink at her and politely inform her that scrambled is the peak of your culinary skills – and you better hope she’s ok with that!! Also, if those pre-chickens are dry when you’re done, and she doesn’t like dry eggs, throw ‘em out and try again. Ketchup is not an acceptable cop out for poor egg cooking skills!! (Note: don’t rush things! A low cooking temperature is a much easier and better way to get those eggs inside the part of the Venn diagram labeled, “perfection”.) Nine: serve it all together with some wine and enjoy the love of your life. You’re welcome, guys.