Thankfulness: why should I be? Prologue.

**TL;DR is at the end**

 I have asked myself many times, "Why should I be thankful? -- What do I have that I could be thankful for!?" A lot of you would respond with something like, "oh, dude! Just look at what you have! You've got a good job, a good family (mostly), and you have good friends. Those are things you should be thankful for." I, being a pessimistic person, would respond with, "I could lose my job, my family is a wreck most of the time (whether you know it or not), and my friends?! Psh! I don't even know why they hang out with me!" (P.S. I really do have wonderful friends! ... and I really don't know why they hang out with me. okay, back on subject!)

 In other words, I can look poorly at any good situation... how?! why? why can't I just be grateful for what I've been given?! There are SO many people who have such harder lives than I do! And they are so joyful and grateful for what little they have! ... that just makes me feel worse about myself.... I feel guilty when I think of how thankful people are while I'm moping around trying to drawn my guilt in video games and alcohol.

 **Please let me say two things: One, yup, I have drowned  my feelings in alcohol. I don't remember a year of my collage because I was so apathetic and depressed. To escape, I drank... and did other things. A story for another time. Two, when you are depressed, however you would like to define it, it overrides whatever reason there might be for being thankful. ... except for one reason. If you don't understand what it feels like to be depressed, please, trust me on how this works.**

 Being thankful when you truly, truly do not feel like it is more than a burden.

 Often, ... actually almost every time something really wonderful happens and my spirit is lifted, I instantaneously prep myself for the downfall. I prepare for the loss of something. I put my guard up. I get ready for the wonderful thing to turn out to be a painful and wretched experience. (For instance: I wake up, read my bible and pray, and I remember Gods promises. Yup, feeling great! "Thanks, God! I don't often feel this way!" Then I am blindsided by lust! or a memory of my sin! or my dad did something and I'm furious at him! Or remember the fact that I actually hurt that person! Or that girl I like updates her status to, "in a relationship"! [Yes, i'm that shallow.] I didn't turn to God, I turned to alcohol or whatever my heart desired! I'm a failure. I took that good day, and ruined it!) A pattern is formed: a good thing proceeds a far worse thing.

I say to myself, and it becomes true, "Any good thing will turn out to be worse than I could imagine."

To be honest, I'm ready for God to surprise me with a good thing that actually stays good.

When I'm feeling down, a common  piece of advice is, "Make a list of all the things you're thankful for. everyday, do that." why? Nothing will turn out well in the end! It ALWAYS ends badly!!

...

And that is the crucial phrase or mindset: "It always ends badly".

For you see, I do not trust that God will work things for good. I do not trust that He is a loving and kind God to me!
 "I know what He's done for others, but He isn't kind to me. only to other people--"
 "No, Timothy! *mental slap* Self, you are just trusting in yourself! Self, you believe you know everything and that if you can't see it ending well, it won't! God has told you that He will take care of you! He will work all things for good! If you are a part of Him, He will prune you -- it will hurt!-- in order that you may be more fruitful! He has a purpose! you might not see it -- ever! -- but, He HAS A PURPOSE!"
"but what if He doesn't have a purpose?"
"Than He isn't who He says He is, and nothing matters; including whether you trust in Him or not."
"oh."
"yup."

Am I picking myself up by my own bootstraps? I don't think so. That strange, inner monologue is to say, if God is who He says He is, I can trust Him when He says it will work for my good and His glory. And if He's not who He claims to be, I'm already screwed and have nothing to lose by trusting Him anyways.

Okay, here's the short of all that:

Thankfulness cannot be contrived.
Thankfulness cannot be faked.
Thankfulness always comes from a heart and mind that believes in the goodness of God!
Thankfulness is the response to knowing that God is a God of purposeful, loving kindness!

Thankfulness is trusting that God is who He says He is.

So, why should I be thankful? It's the one reason that overrides depression: Because I hope in the purposeful, goodness of who God is!-- Oh, let Him be true when I don't believe, and me a liar when I trust myself!


TL;DR is just up there.