Thankfulness: Singleness

Okay, this one has been hard to write... I'm sure I'll look back and think, "what in the...?" oh well. here it goes.

Let me please preface this with telling you that my whole life has been spent "doing the right thing so that I can be a good guy who gets a good girl and who lives happily ever after." Marriage has been (and may still be) a huge idol in my life. (Yup, I'm a guy who has idolized marriage.) Also, this is NOT meant to be a pity party. I am very, very glad I'm single, currently! God knows exactly what He's doing, and it's just recently that I can comprehend that, a little. Please remember that if you're reading this. : )

Why am I thankful for my lonely, hopeless and disappointing singleness? I'm glad you asked!! Let me tell you!

Being single is pretty lonely. Sure, you have your bros and family and some really good friends (if you're as lucky as I am), but there is a lack. There is a feeling that no one wants to be with you, specifically. You look around, see affection being reciprocated between two people, and you realize that you don't have what they have. being lonely is realizing that you are not complete and there is nothing you can do about it -- despite your best efforts -- on your own. There is almost a sense of helplessness.

Being single is is pretty hopeless. That is, when your whole life has been seeking fulfillment in a relationship, being single is very hopeless. Fearing rejection, then being rejected, is not a bad thing. But, when you stake your worth on being accepted or rejected, like I do, it is devastating. And the worst part is that I put myself in that position because of my own insecurities! I tell myself, "I'm only worth something if I have a girlfriend." I have assumed that since I have never had a girlfriend, I am worth nothing and am, as a matter of fact, pretty gross.

Being single is disappointing -- when you are so dang hopeful for something and you really shouldn't have it, of course it's disappointing! I have hoped in one girl or another for purpose to my whole life! That's a lot of pressure to put on her!! (That's also the biggest turn off that I am aware of -- "insecurity" at it's finest.) "here chicka, carry my all of my issues and fix them!" That's what I'm saying! And that's awful!! Being hollow and hoping that another person (who is also, probably, seeking fulfillment) will give you purpose or satisfaction leaves you so utterly drained! You end up completely disappointed in whoever you were hoping would fulfill you or in yourself for not being strong enough to fulfill yourself. But, disappointment, failure, and pain teach lessons so well if your instructor knows what He's doing!

Why would I tell you the weird, dumb inner thoughts and feelings I have about my own issues in this? Because I want you to know that I struggle with this and that, if you're single too, you probably struggle with these types of things too! This is one of those subjects I do not talk about hardly because this idol is very dear to me! I really don't want to be single! Also, I want to tell you because I do NOT like people who are married telling single people why it's such a blessing to be single! It feels like a person who has plenty of food telling an indigent that he should be thankful for how hungry he is! (Alright, that might be a bit harsh. Many married people have truly helped me in this.)

I'm single.
If you are also single, I want to tell you that is okay and, as a matter of fact, really good for you and me that we are not in a relationship with someone.

Here's why: Understanding, humility, responsibility, trusting.

   I have learned so much more than I thought I ever would. When training, pain comes into play, you get sore, and you sometimes injure yourself. My goal has always been to get a good wife. That is what I have spent my life training for. That's missing the point entirely! It's not about getting a wife! It's about knowing GOD! Hoping in anything other than the Lord will always bring pain! And, I say this with faith only, He is far better than any wife could ever be! In choosing between gaining a wife and gaining the Lord, I chose to gain Him -- He kinda gave me no options because I would always choose not Him in my blind, misunderstanding. I am so thankful that I do not have the woman of my dreams while having no relationship with God. (Please know that I still struggle to believe what i have just written.)

   In desperation, in feeling unsatisfied, in my arrogance, I turned to great looking sin in order satiate my desire for what I wanted. Oh yes, I did. In that, my sin eroded away any ounce of  prideful thoughts of, "I'm a good guy and I deserve a great girl!" As far as I know, I'll be single my whole life. ...To be truly honest, that scares me. Yet, I am so thankful that my sin of pride, which has manifested itself in the form of lust, has been shown to me. Without my sinfulness being shown to me, humility would be my enemy and mercy would be my adversary. And I am so thankful that I can learn to deal with my sin without having to hurt a wife in order to turn away from it! I have not hurt her in that way! I am SO thankful for this opportunity to become a pure man without dragging a woman that I love through all that crap! (It is well known to me that I already have hurt her already in my current and past sinfulness. I do have baggage. she will need to forgive me.) I would not say I'm a humble or merciful person, but I think God is working these into me.

   Living as a single for many years makes you live without being reliant on another. Sure, mom reminds me of all kinds of things I need to do, and I'm very glad for that. But if I don't do something, no one else is going to do it for me. Laundry? Dishes? Shopping? Getting the car fixed? Taxes? Signing up for health insurance? Fixing myself food? Etc. Yeah, I need to those things or they won't get done. And yes, it's a burden. But it's a burden I'm learning to bare so she won't have to bare more than she ought! I'm being taught to do what needs to be done so that she won't have to nag me about it! (Man, I hope I get good at this "responsibility" thingy! ... I got a long way to go.)

   I have learned, to some small degree, to trust in the Lord without receiving what I want. "God, I will do anything for a good wife," I said in my heart. And He responded, "Will you give up a 'good wife' and follow Me? Would you let that dream go and dream of Me instead? Would you do that so I can truly give you the joy your heart desires?" ... Me: "Ok... but only if I get a good wife and then afterwards I'll seek You. K? thanks." What a silly boy I am. But the Lord did not accept that. And, "Instead of this He made me feel the hidden evils of my heart ... Yea more with His own hand He seemed intent to aggravate my woe -- crossed all the fair designs I schemed, cast out my feelings, laid me low. 'Lord, why is this?' I trembling cried [over and over and over I cried this to Him]. 'Wilt thou pursue thy worm to death?' ''Tis in this way,' the Lord replied, 'I answer prayers for grace and faith. These inward trials I employ, from self [my dreams of being self sufficient, proven in the fact that I gained a good wife] and pride [my lust] to set you free -- and break thy schemes of earthly joy that thou mayest seek thy all in Me.'" (I Asked the Lord, John Newton, added italics)

And that is why I am so very thankful to be a single, lonely, hopeless, disappointed with life, guy. Yes, because God has a plan and is working it out, that is why I am very, very thankful to be single.